What hides the obsessive desire to help your neighbor, if no one asks you about it
The manifestations of savior syndrome are not always obvious to those around them, and even to those whom unwanted benefactors take care of. Improvised superheroes are always ready to help sluggish colleagues, to save loved ones (and not so) people from life’s hardships and addictions. It is such bright people who are happy to mentor their sponsors around the clock on the issues of proper nutrition, career growth and toxic relationships. Guided by the conviction that this is their highest destiny, the “saviors” elevate altruism to a cult, in reality hiding selfishness and neurotic flaws behind self-giving.
The term “savior” has been used by psychologists since 1968, since Dr. Stephen Karpman, a student of Eric Berne and an expert on transactional analysis, revealed in a published work a model of social and psychological interaction named after him the “Karpman triangle” (aka ” triangle of fate “or Karpman drama triangle). In the article Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis, the American scientist described three familiar roles that we often play in different situations: victim, stalker, and savior who intervenes, it seems, out of a desire to help someone who is being wronged or underestimated.
As Karpman explained, a role-playing game, similar to the melodramatic story of “a hero, a villain and a damsel in distress,” reveals a non-obvious motive: the savior is interested in supporting the victim in her dependence on herself. Can you guess why?
How dependence gets from care
“The need to help others is driven by a person who can only realize herself in the care of others,” explains Anne-Victoire Rousselet, a Parisian psychologist and therapist. – Such people consider it their duty to save others to their own detriment, including those who absolutely do not need it. They deliberately enter into a codependent relationship, believing that they do not deserve the love of their partner, but convincing themselves that this relationship is justified by the desire to save her / him from problems. Persevering helpfulness has at its root a narcissistic flaw that hides self-doubt and an accompanying motivation: the need to raise self-esteem. The “Savior” becomes better in his own eyes, projecting positive intentions and actions onto others. “
What can you expect from unwelcome care? “Rescued” evade salvation, not offering in return for the long-awaited compensation, which, naturally, echoes in the soul of the superhero with bitter disappointment. “I do everything for everyone, but no one ever does anything for me,” is the typical complaint of a rejected savior.
“The consequences of the ambivalent syndrome are bound to be felt,” California psychologists Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger write in The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Other. – At the beginning of the relationship, the savior seems satisfied with his selflessness, but over time he becomes more unhappy and powerless. She / he literally fizzles out, losing meaning, interest, energy, resources, which, in turn, affects self-esteem. Convinced that the efforts are in vain, the “white knight” leaves the game emotionally and psychologically exhausted. “
The need to save indicates an emotional and psychological imbalance whose legs grow predictably out of upbringing, education, and instilled values. “She / he saves everyone around by trying to be a ‘good girl / boy’ in order to gain approval from a real or inner parent and to build self-esteem,” Dr. Roussel describes the nature of the trauma. “Perhaps as a child, the ‘savior’ had to help a sick mother, take care of brothers and sisters, devoting himself to the needs of adults from an early age and lowering his needs to the lower rank of priorities.”
The notorious imbalance tends to chase the “savior” to maturity, maintaining in her / him the need to surround herself with partners, friends, and colleagues to take care of. And this illusory strategy is predictably doomed to failure, because the essence of everything successful is based on harmony.
How to remove the savior syndrome
No one is immune from selfless behavior, but, fortunately, there are cognitive techniques that can help correct psychological disorder. “To get rid of the enduring desire to be someone’s nanny, throw all your strength into pumping self-esteem and self-love,” urge Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger. “The Saviors need to change tactics by an effort of will, finally admitting that they are loved not for the service they provide, but for who they really are.”
It is not easy for those who are stuck in the “saving” pattern to recover – the fear of possible loneliness prevents them from changing their attitude to themselves and the world around them. But what if the caregivers turn their backs and forget for good? What if, along with caring for others, meaning disappears from life?
To block fears, Dr. Roussele advises to reduce aid to a “contract” format, and simply – to agree. “If you want to insure yourself against disappointment, instead of helping without asking, discuss directly how you can be of help to a particular person. This will help you understand in advance if you are ready to provide services without expectations of unlimited gratitude and, in addition, show real care for yourself – for once. Plus, it’s a good practice to respect personal boundaries to which each of us has the right. “
