Four types of mutual attraction – one good and three not so good
Attachment is a mutual process of forming emotional bonds between people that persist indefinitely, even when people are separated. For adults, attachment is a useful skill and a human need. For children, it is a vital necessity and the first psychological experience from which an approach to relationships in the future is built.
Attachment as a tool for interacting with loved ones is not hardwired into the brain of an infant, but is formed during communication with a significant adult. Usually this is mom or dad, less often – grandmother or someone else, if the child was left without parents. In a family where peace, tranquility and mutual understanding reign, and the child grows up in love and care, the baby develops a normal attachment, which psychologists call “reliable”.
“In an unhealthy environment and with the conflicting, unstable behavior of a significant adult, attachment disorder is laid – an emotional dysfunction in which the child and the adult growing out of him are not able to create strong, healthy, long-term relationships with other people,” explains Evgenia Smolenskaya, clinical psychologist at Mental Health Center .
Attachment violation manifests itself in distrust, fears, anxieties, alertness, difficulties in adaptation, craving for codependency, behavioral disorders, the essence of which boils down to one thing – the inability to choose the right partner and build a happy relationship. How to identify violations of attachment and what to do with them – says our expert Evgenia Smolenskaya.
Causes of broken attachment
Attachment theory was substantiated at the turn of the 1960s and 70s by the English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, in collaboration with psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who described the phenomenon as a close emotional contact between a child and a mother. Over time, Bowlby realized that the bond formed in infancy plays an active role throughout life, influencing interpersonal relationships and all cognitive processes.
In the late 1980s, scientists continued to develop the ideas of Bowlby and Ainsworth and found that the interaction between partners in love, friendship, and even business relationships is similar to the relationship between a child and a parent. Just like the bond between mother and baby, where everyone receives their own blessings and support, so romantic relationships are a safe base, a system that helps each in a couple and both together reflect internal and external influences, adapting to difficulties and joys.
The key discovery of scientists was the fact that the principles formed in parent-child contacts affect attachment in romantic relationships. The type of attachment is established in very early childhood and remains stable throughout life, although it can be influenced by acquired experience. In other words, a person can be brought up in a safe environment, but after going through a negative experience in a love relationship, develop a violation of attachment – and vice versa. It is possible to correct the situation for the better, but it is very difficult, since certain patterns of behavior are developed that need to be changed, and one cannot do without the help of a specialist.
Attachment types and how they differ
Psychologists identify four main types of attachment in a relationship. Of these, only reliable is characterized as qualitatively acceptable for personal happiness, and the remaining three are considered violations that interfere with it.
1. Reliable type of attachment
Characterized by a positive image of himself and a positive image of others – that is, a person with this type knows how to value himself and trust others. People with secure attachment are open to a partner, not afraid of emotional intimacy, they want and can be loving and sincere. According to psychologists, the chances for harmony in a life together are highest for characters with a secure attachment, which contributes to a positive perception of romantic relationships and overall satisfaction.
2. Anxious type of attachment
Characterized by a negative image of himself and a positive image of others (“I’m bad / oh, they are good”): this type torments himself with doubts and anxieties, especially if the object of love is cold or reserved. A person with anxious attachment is characterized by an ardent desire for emotional intimacy, a need for constant confirmation of the feelings of a partner, which often leads to codependency in relationships. People with such attachment are characterized by self-doubt, jealousy, emotional expression.
3. Avoidant-rejecting type of attachment
Psychologists attribute the third and fourth types of attachment to those that are acquired in adulthood, as a result of experience: they are unknown to children. Avoidant-rejecting attachment is characteristic of independent persons, for whom a high degree of closeness and openness in feelings is unacceptable. Most often, they are selfish, since their “working” model is a positive image of themselves and a negative image of others, which explains the aloofness in romantic relationships. This type of attachment is on the defensive, suppressing and hiding its emotions.
4. Anxious-avoidant attachment
This type of attachment is characterized by a negative image of oneself and a negative image of others and usually manifests itself in those who have actually suffered in a relationship – from physical, moral or sexual abuse. It is difficult for such people to be loving and open, despite the desire for intimacy. The desire to move away is dictated by the fear of being rejected and discomfort from contacts of any kind. They not only do not trust a partner, but also do not consider themselves worthy of love.
How attachment type affects relationships
Lucky people with a secure type of attachment are more likely to be satisfied with relationships than people with other options – both mutual understanding in communication and sexual interaction. They want intimacy, appreciate devotion, trust each other and have every chance of a fabulous “and they lived happily ever after.”
At the same time, long-term relationships happen in people with other types of attachment. For example, an anxious type is capable of long-term relationships, while suffering endlessly from many negative experiences. Such characters are afraid of being abandoned, they are not sure of their significance for a partner and his feelings. Every day they live contrary to their beliefs, struggling to keep their fragile happiness.
Almost half of today’s adults – scientists say the figure is 45% – did not develop a secure attachment to their parents in childhood. Unfortunately, this is not just a fact from the past, but something that affects all life. Attachment disorders affect mental health and the quality of relationships, and not just with loved ones. Perfectionism, codependency, counterdependence, and general anxiety can also be the result of attachment disorders.
The formed type of attachment closes the connections in a vicious circle, forcing you to unconsciously repeat the same scenarios for the development of relationships, reproducing the “broken” model over and over again, and, what is especially sad, passing the wrong relationship code from generation to generation. That is why, having identified the problem, it is necessary to work on it – in order to learn how to build normal relationships with the help of psychoanalysis and the right therapy and pass on the right skill by inheritance.
